“One joy scatters a hundred griefs”

IMG_20130405_180205As I was flipping through the pages of the book I was reading, my book marker fell and I noticed the beautiful saying written in the back of it. It looks familiar but I wasn’t quite sure where I read it before. Hmmm…maybe because that was the reason why I bought the book marker in the first place! Duh! LOL! You would think I remember the details of that book marker since I bought it, right! Well, I confess! It’s been a while since I read any books so I don’t remember even buying the book let alone the book marker. Hehehehe! Anyway, there was a Chinese Proverb written in the back of it and it says “One joy scatters a hundred griefs”. I thought it was very meaningful so I decided to share it with my Facebook friends or as many Facebookers would call it a status update. Hehehehe! The proverb really got me thinking about my own life. I started thinking about a time when I was feeling really low about something and there is only one thing that keeps coming back to mind…..that is growing up without my mother. When I am out and about and I see a mother and a daughter spending time together I can’t help but think about how different my life would be if I have that kind of closeness with my mother. When I see friends with their mothers and the bond they have with each other, it makes me long for the same thing and wish that my life was different. I feel this void inside me that sometimes I can’t even explain. You would think that it shouldn’t be a big deal for me anymore since I rarely saw my mother since I was a child but it still bothers me to this day. I used to only see her once or twice a year and we’d spend a few days or a week together. That’s about it. I was eight years old at the time and  it took another 23 years before we saw each other again. I understand that my mother had to work overseas to provide for me and she did exactly that. She gave me pretty much everything I want and even sent me to a private school. I know she wants the best for me but I think what she doesn’t understand is that material things can never fill the void I feel for growing up without a mother. I tried to explain it to her numerous times and begged her to come home when I was a child through my teenage years but she couldn’t hear me or I should say refuses to listen. To this day I question her about that but I never get any straight answer. She missed so many important events in my life. Birthdays, prom, debut (18th birthday), elementary graduation, high school graduation and two college graduations. I thought she would actually make the effort to attend my college graduation when I told her that I am graduating summa cum laude but even that didn’t make a difference. I so wanted her to be there. She said she would but she failed once again. I guess no matter what my reasons are it would never be enough for her. I asked her why she couldn’t make it but like always I could never get a straight answer. I don’t know if my mother and I will ever have that bond that I long for because every time I try to open up to her all I get is criticism. How I wish it’s a constructive criticism but it’s not. We rarely see each other as we live half a world apart. We talk over the phone a few times a year and a few short emails that probably equals the number of times we talk within a year. I try not to think about it as much but honestly not having that closeness with my mother is what gives me grief. There are so many things that I want to say to her but every time I try I get shut down.  She refuses to hear me out. I’m not perfect and have made some decisions in the past that she doesn’t agree with but all she can think about is that. She never gives me any credit for anything that I have ever accomplished in my life. She makes me sad. She makes me feel depressed and I don’t think she even realizes that. How would she even know what makes me sad or happy when she has never really taken the time to get to know me. I know someday I’ll get the answers to my questions and will gain a better understanding why she is that way. I know it will happen and it’s just a matter of time. Although that part of my life gives me grief, I am blessed that I was raised by my wonderful loving grandparents who took me in when I was only two months old and raised me as if I was their own child. I can never thank them enough for all the sacrifices that they’ve made. The moments I have with them growing up is what gives me the greatest joy in life and it’s something that I will always treasure :).

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