I don’t know where to even begin. I’ve been wanting to write about something…about anything but I just couldn’t seem to get to it. Every time I have the desire to do it and attempt to my mind suddenly goes blank then loneliness seeps in. It’s been thirty days since my grandmother passed away and I’m still struggling to accept the reality of things. It’s been a month…..the most difficult month of my life.I don’t think I can ever put into words the depth of my sorrow for losing someone who means the world to me. Though I try to fill the loneliness with the wonderful memories I have of my grandmother, I will always have that void in my heart and in my life. It just isn’t the same without her. After I came back from visiting her last year, I said to myself that I would surprise her this year by going back home so we can celebrate our birthdays together just like before. We celebrated birthdays together almost all the time for so many years since our birthdays are only a few days apart. It’s something that I’ve been missing for over a decade now and something that I will never have the chance to do again.

When my cousin told me about my grandmother going back to the hospital after she was just in critical condition just 3 months earlier, I was terrified. Her condition was much worst this time and she was barely moving and speaking. I tried so hard to stay positive. I prayed. I worried and prayed some more. Then I was told that she was doing a little better and responding and that was a bit of a relief. That was great news. It was something positive. But just as I thought things were getting better, I received a new message from my cousin that things had turned for the worst and that my grandmother went into a coma. I didn’t want to believe it. I knew that my grandmother was strong and she has been a fighter all her life. She was a survivor and she was actually living her second life. I wanted to do something to help her. I was frustrated that I wasn’t there and all I could do was hope and pray that she will once again get through it. I was desperately praying that she will regain consciousness. I felt helpless and I couldn’t stop crying. Then a few hours later I received the news that I was dreading to hear. “Mamang is gone”, she says. My heart broke into a million pieces and I cried and cried and cried. I was in denial and to this day have a hard time accepting the truth. I was just there not even 3 months ago. She was doing great and recovering well from being in critical condition and now she’s gone. I was a bowl of mixed emotions. I was looking forward to seeing her again this year but not like that. A part of me was hesitant to go home. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I just want to remember how happy she was just like when I last saw her. But I know I had to go home. I had to pay my last respects to my grandmother. I had to thank her for being my mother and grandmother at the same time who loved me unconditionally. I know it will never be enough for everything that she has done for me and my mother. I hope that she can forgive me for my shortcomings and that most of all, I hope that she knows how very much I love her and how important she is to me.

I’ve seen her in my dreams several times since her passing. It felt so real and she was her usual happy self. Somehow that gives me comfort and makes me think that she knows how much she’s loved and valued. I am forever grateful for having a grandmother like her and I will honor her memory by being the best person that I can be.