Today is one of “those days” for me…or maybe even worst because my whole ordeal started last night. I know I shouldn’t get this upset anymore since I’ve been going through this for years now but I guess seeing improvements since my treatment had begun has given me so much hope that sometimes I forget that there will be times where I’d still have those really terrible days 😦 . I’m an optimist for the most part in my life but this OCD and severe anxiety just gets me down every time. I’ve been fighting this for so long and it’s getting really exhausting to have to deal with it every waking minute of my life. It’s absolutely frustrating. I am so tired of the obsessions and compulsions that I can’t control and the rituals that I have to do in order to avoid having anxiety but I think the worst part is when I try to snap out of it and I can’t, then it gets even worst. I have this routine that I have to follow everyday and if something isn’t done the way that it’s supposed to, then I’d start with my routine all over again until it felt right. I think I had my worst moment last night as I spent 4 hours going through the whole ordeal. I couldn’t think straight anymore. I couldn’t focus at all, my anxiety was through the roof and I started to hate myself for having this awful illness 😦 . My fiancé was doing his best to help me in the best way that he can but nothing was working. Then he told me to pray and I got really angry and said to him, “Why even bother when it seems like my prayers are not being heard.” I was so angry and I still am. I wanted to burst into tears but I was fighting it. There was a part of me that was resisting the urge to cry. It’s like half of me is saying, “Don’t cry. Don’t let this moment get to you. You’ve come so far to give up now. You can do this”…..and with that thought I finally fell asleep only to wake up 3 hours later and have to deal with the whole thing all over again. My anxiety isn’t as bad as last night’s this morning but it’s there and it’s irritatingly annoying because even the most simplest things can’t be done without any worries. The worrying continued as I drove to work and was stuck in traffic. Again, I was feeling angry and frustrated with my daily life because of my illness. I just wanted to free from it so bad. Then my Mom called and I lost it. I couldn’t help but burst into tears because I am overwhelmed with frustration. Talking to her did helped calm me down but then sadness took over and I found myself asking what reasons God might have for allowing me to have this kind of illness. I was thinking “Why me? What is God’s reason? What is He trying to teach me?”…..because right now, I’m not really seeing anything good coming out from it 😦 .

Please excuse my Tuesday rant. I just really need to vent. I need to talk about it…..and thank you so much for your time.