There will be times in your life where you have to keep trying…..keep trying ’til you get it right. There will also be times where you will disappoint others who are counting on you and it hurts because the least thing you want to do is to let these people down. But I think the worst part is when you are disappointed at yourself that sometimes you feel like you just want to disappear once and for all. You try so hard not to feel this way but you can’t help it because you are not only disappointed at yourself but you’re angry and you hate yourself because you feel like a complete failure. But what do you do when these disappointments are caused by something you have no full control over…..something that you can’t just win over no matter how hard you’ve been trying…..that even when you’re giving it your very best…..some people still don’t understand how difficult things are for you and how hard you’ve been trying to get your life back before this so-called OCD made you a prisoner of your own life…a prisoner of your own mind. How do you explain to these people what you’re going through and how you feel? How do you tell them how frustrating it’s been for you for so many years that many times you struggle to even find the sense of living when you can’t even live a normal life. If only they knew the agony that you go through. How frustrating it is that you can’t even do a simple thing as brushing your teeth or washing your hands without having to deal with the compulsions and obsessions. That no matter what you’re doing throughout the day, you are constantly in battle with these thoughts and feelings that you want so badly to be free from. You want to set it free but you feel caged in…you feel caged in your mind and you can’t seem to find your way out no matter how hard you try. Out of frustration, you find yourself wishing that they would have what you have so they can understand you. So you can truly be understood. That’s what I feel every time I notice that someone doesn’t or refuses to understand what I’m going through. I feel like they should live it even for a day to fully understand my condition. I think some people doesn’t understand and don’t have empathy for people with this condition because it’s not a physical illness…it’s an invisible illness that is easily misunderstood. Just because “we”  look normal on the outside doesn’t mean we are doing just fine or that our condition is so easy to deal with. It’s so easy to say “it’s all in your mind” or “stop thinking about it”. IT’S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT! It’s a constant battle and you don’t even get a break from it unless you’re sleeping or you’re dead. So how long do you keep trying? How many more times do you have to explain yourself to be really understood? How many more times will you be disappointed at yourself because you disappointed others? As my therapist constantly reminded me, “You need to stop worrying about other people. You need to worry about you too. You need to take care of yourself”…..but how do you shut off your feelings? I wish there’s an off and on switch for it and that you can easily choose when to turn it off or on. I don’t normally vent like this. For the most part I am an optimist who always believes that there is a good reason for every trial that we go through in life. But I guess like everyone else, I also have my moments. I also have those moments where I feel like I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to let this out. I don’t like getting tormented with these awful feelings that in the past I would just keep to myself and pretend that I am not affected by how other people look at me because I have this condition. I am human. I have feelings. I get hurt too like everyone else. All I ask is some understanding. Maybe sometimes you need to put yourself in my shoes to fully understand how it’s like to live a not so normal life. I know it’s a long process. I know I will get disappointed again…but I’m not giving up! I’ll keep trying no matter how long it takes. I have come so far to give up now. For many years I never imagined that I would ever find the courage to accept that I have OCD let alone talk about it openly. I will continue fighting. I will use every ounce of my energy to fight back to get my life back the way it was. I will have my normal again. I know it will happen and it’s just a matter of time.